Breaking, Breaking, Broken (But I don't Know How to Fix It)
by Sealure
Summary: When you turn children into soldiers and march them into Hell, there are consequences.


**_HALLO! I'M ALIVE!_**

 ** _Anyway! My long, boring AN is going to be at the end, so I'm just gonna get on with it!_**

 ** _WARNINGS: PTSD. This is post Giant War. The boys might be a bit OOC, too. Sorry!_**

 ** _SPOILERS: Heroes of Olympus series, big-time House of Hades, and the basic premise of the Percy Jackson series._**

 ** _Um, this is un-beta-ed, so any mistakes are just me!_**

 **Anyway. Oh, wait a sec...**

 **DISCLAIMER: Is Nico walking around smiling and feeling loved and accepted and with a family? Is Percy not holding the weight of the world on his shoulders and actually NOT shattering on the inside? No? Then I don't think I own PJO. All rights to Rick Riordan!**

 **There we go. Almost forgot.**

 **Now then. ON WITH THE SHOW!**

 _Breaking_ , _Breaking, Broken(But I don't Know How to Fix It)_

Percy had been acting weird. Well, weirder than normal. Nico was pretty sure no one else had noticed—partly because they were dealing with their own PTSD—but mainly because Percy was really good at pretending to be fine. Like, _scary_ good. Even Annabeth hadn't noticed.

Nico noticed because he knew what was wrong. _How well he knew it…_ Annabeth had said the other day that Percy wasn't waking up waking up with nightmares anymore. Nico was pretty sure that was because Percy wasn't sleeping anymore. Annabeth said Percy looked less haunted. Nico thought that Percy had just repaired his dangerously fractured façade of carefree cheer.

How did he know that?

Because things had changed in the 8 months since the Giant War. A lot of things had changed, and a lot of things had happened.

It had taken Percy all of two days to look through Nico's—admittedly unexpected—revelation, but the minute he had, he'd marched straight to Cabin 13.

* * *

 _Percy barged in the door without knocking. Nico jumped, nearly falling out of his coffin-like bed._

" _Styx, Percy!" he snapped, irritated. "There's this thing! It's called knocking!"_

 _Percy didn't answer. He marched straight over and hauled him out of his bed._

" _Percy, what—"Nico froze as Percy wrapped him in his arms. Not tight enough to hurt, but firmly enough to let the younger know that he wasn't getting away until Percy had said his piece._

" _I am so glad you told me," Percy muttered, resting his chin on Nico's hair. "I am_ _ **so**_ _glad that you_ _ **trusted**_ _me enough to tell me. I'm also glad you didn't tell me earlier because I don't think I would have been able to deal with it in a way that didn't hurt you. Now listen up."_

 _Dumbstruck, Nico just nodded against Percy's collarbone._

" _I love you. You're basically—no, you_ _ **are**_ _my little brother. I will always be here for you, no matter where you go and I. Will._ _ **Never. Leave. You.**_ _No matter what you do. Got that? You are my family, and I am your family, and family looks out for each other."_

 _Percy let go of Nico and rested his hands on his shoulders as Nico gaped at him in utter disbelief. The Italian boy had been prepared for Percy to turn away in disgust, cut him off, be angry and revolted. But this…._

 _A promise of love, and a promise of family, and simple acceptance._

 _Percy swallowed hard, snapping Nico's attention back to him. The older boy's eyes darkened, and he looked at the floor._

" _I'm so sorry, Nico."_

 _The whisper was so quiet, he almost missed it._

 _Nico blinked at him. "What for?"_

 _Percy crossed his arms and leaned against the wall of the cabin, curling in on himself with eyes focused on something a million miles away._

 _Despite himself, Nico felt a curl of worry in his stomach. "Percy?"_

" _For killing Bianca."_

 _Nico felt the world stop. His breathing hitched as a torrent of old memories and scars ripped into his mind._ _ **What?!**_

 _Percy dragged his eyes up from the floor, and Nico almost staggered under the weight of the sheer guilt and anguish swirling in those turbulent windows to a clearly shattering heart._

" _I am so. Sorry." He said again, looking more defeated than Nico had ever seen him._

 _The younger boy wasn't sure who was more surprised—him or Percy—when he voluntarily burrowed into Percy's arms and hid his tears in the soft blue T-shirt._

 _A beat passed, and then Percy's arms slowly came up and wrapped around Nico. Hesitant, like he wasn't sure if he was allowed to. Nico just tightened his own grip, and something in Percy_ _ **snapped.**_ _He all but_ _ **clung**_ _to the younger boy, burying his face in the ebony hair._

" _I am_ _ **so sorry,**_ _" he rasped, sounding like a broken record._

 _Nico felt tears sting his eyes. "I forgive you," he whispered, voice breaking._

 _Olympus, he was such an idiot! He had never even_ _ **considered**_ _that Percy—whose fatal flaw was_ _ **loyalty,**_ _for crying out loud!—would still blame himself for her death over 4 years after the fact. He tightened his hold on his cous—his brother. Nico blinked. Well, shoot. Now that he'd gotten over that hero-crush, there was really nothing else to call him. Brother. Huh._

 _Said brother was still shaking, so Nico opened his mouth to say "I forgive you" again, but what came out was "I miss her."_

 _Percy's grip on him tightened._

 _Nico took a deep breath. "Percy," he said firmly. He backed up until they were an arm's length apart, grabbing the older boy's shoulders to keep his attention. "I miss my sister. I do." His voice cracked. "But she made her own decisions. I know Bianca. Nothing on Olympus, Earth, or Hades could have changed her mind once she'd made it up. I miss her, but I do not blame my—"Nico hesitated for one moment. Once he'd said it, there would be no going back. He said it anyway. "—my big brother for her death."_

 _Percy's head came up, wide eyes locking on his in disbelief._

" _I miss her," Nico continued softly, "but I have made my peace with her. I don't blame you. I forgive you. You're the last family I have—you and Sally—and I don't want to lose you, too."_

 _And Percy smiled. A weak, pathetic shadow of what it was supposed to be, but a smile nonetheless. "You can't get rid of me that easy. Face it. You're stuck with me."_

 _Nico felt a tiny grin pulling at the corners of his mouth, but then his eyes abruptly hardened. "But you had better listen to me now, Perseus Jackson."_

 _The room grew darker, and Percy's spine snapped ramrod straight._

" _This brother thing?" Nico caught Percy's gaze and held it. "It goes two ways. You say you've got my back? Then I have yours. Don't forget that. You don't have to be alone, either."_

 _Percy blinked, mouth opening and closing. Then his jaw snapped shut, but his eyes were lost and confused, like he'd forgotten how it felt to have someone actually understand._

 _Then he crushed Nico in his arms again, and Hades blast it all if Nico didn't cling back to him just as tightly._

" _Thank you," Percy choked out._

 _Nico's eyes were stinging again. "Thank you," he whispered back._

 _And they stayed there, clinging to each other. Just two pieces of driftwood, worn down and broken by the raging seas of life._

* * *

Nico sighed, staring up at the ceiling of his cabin. That had been a little over two months ago, and since that day, the two had truly become as close as brothers. After all that time Nico spent hating Percy, he'd expected it to be incredibly difficult to open up and get to know him, but it hadn't been. Percy slid into the older brother role so easily, it was like he had been tailor-made to be Nico's family. And Nico was floored at how easy he found it to depend on and trust the other. They could read each other like books, which brought Nico back to the problem at hand.

Percy's eyes had been growing darker, and they were ringed with shadows. Nico had seen Percy's slumped shoulders and giveaway yawns that hinted of too-long nights spent running from the horrors of his own mind. Nico had thought about it long and hard, and he was pretty sure he knew why Percy was having so much more trouble than Annabeth. He hoped to Hestia he was wrong, but he didn't think he was.

From what he'd gathered from Annabeth, Nico knew that the two of them had been forced to run through the Mansion of Night. She had told him that they'd closed their eyes, but how could they have navigated the Mansion unless one was leading the other? And how could the one lead if he could not see?

That, plus the expression on Percy's face for the first three days after their escape—pure horror. Nico had never seen that look on his face before. Fear? Yeah. Grief? Definitely. Anger, sorrow, determination—yes, yes, yes. But the empty terror was new.

So was the despair.

And that was what terrified Nico the most.

Percy never gave up, never surrendered even when everyone around him did. He never lost hope. But in the last few months, hollow despair, defeat, and hopelessness had darkened his brilliant sea-green eyes to a dull and empty forest color. That scared Nico, too.

If Percy, the pillar of strength for basically the entire mythological world, was crumbling, who could possibly stand under the weight?

Nico squared his shoulders. _I will._

His brother was falling apart, drowning in everything he'd ruthlessly suppressed during the quest. Because others were depending on him, he ignored his own pain, fear, and _darkness_ and stepped up to the plate. He shouldered the weight because no one else could ( _would_ ).

And now it was crushing him.

Well, not on Nico's watch.

But how could he pull his brother back from the _dangerous_ ledge he was walking on? Nico bit his lip, beginning to pace back and forth from his bed to the door and back, thoughts whirling in his mind.

Suddenly, he snapped his fingers and bolted into the nearest shadow.

* * *

A couple of hours later found Nico taking a deep breath in front of Cabin 3. He pushed open the door without knocking and slipped quietly inside. He glanced around and immediately found his target.

Percy was sitting against the headboard of his bunk, knees pulled up to his chest and arms curled around them. Nico got a lump in his throat. Percy looked oh so very small and oh so very young like that. Nico was reminded, looking at him now, that Percy was only 17.

He walked over and flopped down at the foot of the bed. Percy looked up. His eyes were dull, but he smiled, mask up full force. "Heya, Neeks!" he said brightly.

Nico just looked at him, not buying it for a second. Percy's smile faded, and he let out a quiet huff of humorless laughter.

"What can I do for you?" he asked quietly.

 _Still asking what you can do for others,_ Nico thought. _Not today, brother. Today I finally start paying you back for all the things you've done for me. And the rest of the world, but we'll get to that later._

"I've got something for you," he said.

Percy raised an enquiring eyebrow.

Nico scooted closer and grabbed the older's hand. He put something in the palm, then closed the fingers. Percy stared at him, head tilted to one side and eyebrow still raised. It was such a _Percy_ look that Nico had to laugh, if only just a little. He gestured to Percy's hand, and when he opened it, there was a small figurine sitting on his palm. Poseidon raised his trident, looking kind yet powerful even at two inches tall.

Nico opened his other hand, revealing the Hades statue Bianca had given her life for. Percy stared at it, looking like he'd just been punched. Nico locked eyes with him.

"Someone once told me that it's ok to be a kid every once in a while," he whispered.

Percy stared at him, then at Poseidon, then at Hades and back.

Tears were beginning to pool in his dark green orbs. "I—I don't—I can't—"his voice broke, and he ducked his head.

Now as a rule, Nico was not an emotionally gifted person. And, with _very_ few exceptions, he did. _NOT_. _**TOUCH**_. This was one of those exceptions.

Nico reached out and wrapped his arms around Percy. The older boy dropped his head on Nico's shoulder, still trying to hold back the flood that had been building for far too long.

"Don't do that," Nico muttered, tightening his hold. "Don't hide. Not from me. Let it out. I'm not expecting you to be magically fine afterwards, but I can't stand seeing you fall apart like this. Let me in. Trust me, Percy. I _get it._ You're not ok. But that's fine, because I'm not ok, either. Brothers, remember? We look out for each other. You're not alone anymore, Perce."

Percy stared at him a moment longer.

Then he shattered.

* * *

Nico spent the next who-knows-how-long trying to piece back together the torn and broken pieces of the beaten soul that used to be Percy.

Percy let _everything_ out. He cried and raged and threw things. The sky grew dark, and waves slammed into the beach. (He also might have caused an earthquake. Just a little one, though!) He hid nothing from Nico: he told of the debilitating fear, when he woke up surrounded by wolves with no idea who he was. He told of the overwhelming rush of memories. The fear of drowning in Rome—and in the muskeg, in Alaska. The constant worry about Annabeth while she followed the Mark. The gut-wrenching _terror_ when she was pulled below the ground in Arachne's lair. The determination to keep this promise to the desperate-looking little brother who was still trying to reach him. The frayed, torn edges of his sanity as he fought to keep himself and Annabeth alive in Tar—that place.

And he shared the murderous rage he'd felt Akhlys. And he told Nico how afraid he'd been—of himself.

"I couldn't stop," he said, pacing back and forth, dragging shaky hands through his hair. "It was like—like it wasn't even _me._ I just wanted her _dead._ And I could do it. And—"tortured green eyes locked on Nico's. " _I didn't want to stop._ I wanted her to _hurt_. I wanted to hear her _scream._ I remember—"he swallowed hard. "—I remember wondering just how much misery Misery could take."

Nico closed his eyes, fighting the tears that were trying to escape. This was worse than he'd thought. That? Desperate rage and fury and sheer cruelty? That was _not_ his brother.

"I—I'm sorry," Percy muttered. "I'm sorry, you don't want to hear this."

"No, I don't," Nico said bluntly. "But I really doubt you wanted to hear "I hate you, you broke your promise, just leave me alone," either. You didn't give up on me, and I don't have any plans to give up on you anytime soon."

Percy's eyes softened, and for a heartbeat, the darkness in them fled. Then the moment ended, and he went back to pacing.

"We ran into the arai," Percy said softly.

"What?!" Nico cried, sitting bolt upright.

Percy offered a fractured smile. "First one I hit—Geryon," he snorted. "Felt like somebody had just shoved a red hot poker through my chest."

Nico paled. "Ah," he said.

Percy nodded. "Annabeth got Calypso's," he whispered.

Nico's eyes widened, and his mouth dropped open. "Calypso cursed her?"

"Yeah." Percy's eyes darkened. "Someone else I let down."

Nico threw a pillow at him. "Shut up."

Percy managed a twitch of his lips. "She couldn't see me. I was right in front of her, and all of a sudden, she'd be twelve feet away. She couldn't hear me or see me, and she was talking about—"he swallowed hard. "—about how I abandoned her. She only got hit by that one, and one other—Polyphemus'. So she was blind, and then she couldn't find me. I lost track of how many I got hit with," he said, eyes unfocusing. "Phineus, and Kampe, and the Telkhines that I burned in Mt. Saint Helens, and—"

"Stop," Nico broke in. "Stop it, Percy. Don't do that to yourself. They deserved it, and you know it."

"Do you know how many people I displaced with that eruption?" Percy demanded. "Do you know how many lives I ruined, homes I destroyed?!"

Nico's eyes flashed as he rose to his full height. " _Enough!_ " he shouted. "I will not listen to this for one more second! _Yes,_ it was a disaster! But did you _mean_ to do it? No! You didn't even know you _could_ do that! So you listen up and you listen good. It. Was. Not. Your. Fault! Got it?!"

Percy blinked at him, mouth still open. "Y-yeah. Got it."

"Good." Nico nodded, then sank back down on the bed.

Percy shook his head briefly, then went on shakily. He told of the night in the swamp, Damasen and Bob, Hyperion and Krios. He told of the moment he had truly beheld the complete and utter _Hell_ that was Tartarus.

"And then we were there," he said, sagging against a bedpost. "We were at the doors. We were _right there._ We thought that we'd made it. Then—"his voice faltered, and his breathing hitched. "We saw _him._ "

"Him?" Nico sat up. "Him who?"

"Ta—"Percy's voice snapped. He started shaking, hard enough that Nico could see it, and curled into himself. " _Him. The Lord of the Pit."_

"Gods of Olympus," Nico choked, feeling all the color drain from his face. _Atropos,_ he thought, _surely even you could not be so cruel._

"Damasen fought him," Percy whispered, "and he _eradicated him from existence."_

Nico stared, horrified, as Percy sagged back against the wall and collapsed to the floor, curling into a tiny ball.

"H-his _face_ ," Percy whispered. "It was like—like a vortex. He got Hyperion and Krios first—he sucked them in, and they were utterly destroyed. I've never seen anything like it. And the elevators—you had to hold the button for twelve minutes. I was going to stay…..But Bob stayed instead." His voice gave out, and soundless sobs started ripping free from his chest.

Nico tasted bile. He staggered to his feet and over to the shattering boy on the floor and dropped down beside him. He wrapped his arms around Percy and buried his face in his shoulder as Percy grabbed on tight enough to bruise.

"You saved our lives, you know," Percy said hoarsely. "You told Bob that I was good. That I was a friend. He remembered that, and he saved us. Because of you. So thank you for that, brother."

"You're welcome," Nico whispered, voice cracking halfway through.

Percy clung to Nico like it was the only thing keeping him sane.

 _They stayed there for awhile..._

By the time the tale had been told in full, the night was almost over. Percy was on his bed again, leaning against the headboard with Nico sitting beside him. Percy had slid down slightly, just enough to rest his head on Nico's shoulder in an uncharacteristic display of vulnerability, trusting Nico to hold him up.

Nico was leaning his head against Percy's, thinking over what he'd heard. That…..had been miles worse than even he'd feared. But it was all out now, and it showed.

Percy's eyes had lightened at least four shades.

And while they still weren't the pure, vibrant sea-green they were supposed to be, at least a few of the nightmares had been driven from them.

Nico remembered the night Percy had done much the same thing with him—sat down with him and listened to everything that he'd thought and felt and seen and heard. That had taken pretty much all night, too. And when he was done, staring at the floor, certain of rejection ( _because how could anyone love someone as broken as him?)_ Percy had wrapped an arm around his shoulders and hugged him.

" _Come on,"_ he'd said. Then he led Nico to Cabin 3, where he was unceremoniously shoved into a bunk and told that he wasn't leaving until the next morning. Percy had vanished for a couple of minutes, then returned with a box of blue chocolate chip cookies. They had eaten the entire box, and Nico's last thought before falling asleep was one of absolute certainty: _I have a family again._

With that thought in mind, he carefully nudged Percy upright and hopped off the bed. He rummaged around for a minute until he found what he was looking for, and returned to the bed. He held up his prize with a grin, and Percy snorted.

It was a box of blue chocolate chip cookies.

"I should never have showed you where I hide these things," Percy lamented with a mock glare in Nico's direction, grabbing three of the cookies.

Nico rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah."

Percy smiled. And for the first time in—well, a ridiculously long time—that smile was completely genuine and 100% _Percy._

"Neeks?"

"Yeah?"

" _Thank you._ "

Nico couldn't help it—he smiled back. "Always here. No matter what. Remember? That's what brothers do."

The older boy grinned and leaned forward, gently bumping their foreheads together. "We watch out for each other."

"Yep. Are you going to eat that last cookie?"

"Paws off. Mine."

* * *

It wasn't ok.

 _They_ weren't ok.

Percy wasn't magically cured: his eyes were still way too dark, he still skipped too many meals, and he still didn't sleep enough.

But it was a start.

Nico wasn't fine either—not by a long shot. But he smiled more, and he stopped fading into the shadows he commanded.

They were brothers. They looked out for each other. They refused to let the other fall.

So they've decided that they'll be not ok together.

As brothers.

( _And maybe, one day, they'll be alright again….)_

 **I'm back! And I am SO SORRY! I've started school, I've got two jobs, and life has just been-well, life. But anyway! This is actually a piece that I wrote over a year ago-it was the very first thing I ever wrote that wasn't for school. And trust me, it needed some serious help. So yeah. I've spent pretty much all week doing this. I know it's not really long, and I'm sorry for that! But I have just been hitting this huge writer's block on EVERYTHING and it's driving me NUTS.**

 **The idea for this story was a thing on ifunny that my brother showed me:**

 **"Nico notices that Percy has been different ever since he got back from Tartarus, so he gets a mythomagic Poseidon statue and gives it to Percy. He looks him in the eye and holds Hades and says, "Somebody once told me that it's ok to be a kid sometimes." "**

 **That's not exactly how it went, but close enough.**

 **For all those of you waiting for chapter 2 of We're Just Kids, I swear I'm working on it! I already have the basic plotline of the chappie down (there is no plot. It's all angst and fluff), and I will do my best to get that out as soon as I can!  
**

 **Thank you all so much for all of the support you guys have given me! It means more than I can say!**

 **Reviews are love!**

 **~~~Sealure~~~**


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